Last night I went to sleep with a ton of anxiety. I seem to be more "on edge" the night before treatment. Like a good girl, I took my xanax, ambien, and had a nice long relaxing bath. I worked almost 12 hours yesterday so that today and tomorrow I could fully take andvantage of our guest bedroom and pretend to be staying in a hotel. My parents are keeping both Addison and Austin and I plan to do nothing but relax for 2 days. I can't be without my energy for as long as I was last time.
I arrived to the Infusion Room and took my seat next to the window. They hooked me up through my port and the meds have begun. I decided that right now would be a good time to catch all of you up and to put my recent feelings down. I opened my computer and caught a glimpse of my reflection. Needles and wires and the tower of medicine next me shocked me for a short second. I'm still having trouble making this a reality.
There are about 20 other people having a treatment at the same time. One lady across from me is wearing a bright pink baseball hat with rhinestones. I assume she has breast cancer and is a proud survivor. Another is paying her bills and bitching to herself - something about Medicaid. A man is next to me visiting with his wife over a salad and another woman just walked in with a purple bandana and a pink shirt that says PEACE on it. I just watched someone get "accessed" thru their port and their drugs have started. I can't help but wonder what type of cancer everyon has. Some look like they will be here all day with the amount of stuff they brought with them. The woman in the pink rhinestone hat just fell asleep - she looks so peaceful and comfortable. There are about 8 nurses moving from patient to patient handing out crackers, checking the medicine bags, and comfort levels. I am sitting eavesdropping and listening to my medicine trickle through my body. I'm the nosey one ...
Doug just left to go grab us some lunch and a HUGE Iced Tea. I would do just about anything for an iced tea right about now. When he left I tuned into a MTV and found 16 and Pregnant. I turned it off after my Infusion Nurse, Pat, came over and made some silly jokes about how ridiculous that show is. We talked about how I don't feel as guilty watching crap like that here as I would at home. Pat just gave me her life story in a nutshell. She and her "partner" Susan have a 14 yr old son. She was the pregnant one and her partner adopted him. They love costa rica and will eventually retire there once their son goes away to College. Pat has been my favorite Infusion Nurse so far!
2 weeks ago I received a gift card from my VERY special friends. It was a gift card to Top This. Thank you to ALL of you that contributed!! My doctor just released me for an Oncology massage so I'll be scheduling that there very soon!
I turned off my phone today and put an auto responder on my email. I plan to do a little work but just the minimum today and tomorrow. If you are looking for me, know that i'm o.k - just want some time to rest. I'm pretty sure Aunt Kay is dropping off another delicious dinner tonight. I can't wait to see what it is - everything she makes is awesome!
My salad, fruit and more importantly my ICE TEA is here! Later .....
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
RAISING Awareness for Breast Cancer
It was only a matter of time before my wheels started turning on ways to help OTHER young women and mothers experiencing this horrible phase that some unfortunately encounter in their lifetime. I've decided that it is my obligation to help raise the awareness for breast cancer and I am going to fight like hell for the rest of my life until we are all AWARE!
definition Awareness: having knowledge of
SO many women are affected by Breast Cancer - (and all other Cancers - this one just happens to hit home with me). I hear a small voice telling me to educate, speak about IT, stand strong, be a friend and rock to someone who needs it, and more than anything to be a Survivor. When I'm done with my treatments and my energy levels come back and I return to the "old Mindy", I will be all over the place trying to help others in this situation. This is a down right scary time and I want to give back by educating and raising awareness.
I have read TONS of books from Crazy Sexy Cancer, Stand By Her, Dr Susan Love's The Breast Book, and every piece of literature and pamphlet thrown my way. I have researched, compared my notes from my surgeons, and changed our way of living. This will be shocking to most because you probably know that never, in my adult years, would I have ever picked up any reading material that didn't say "US Weekly or People". But I feel a NEED to know EVERYTHING about breast cancer.
Here are some Very Scary but REAL Statistics, but because of my new found obsession I felt the need to include these here:
* One in 8 women will get breast cancer in her lifetime
* Breast Cancer is the leading cause of cancer death in women between the ages of 15 and 54
* 70% of breast cancer occur in women without a family history of the disease
* There are more than 250,000 women UNDER the age of 40 and currently living with breast cancer
* Breast Cancer in women under 50 is more agressive and virulent
* The five year survival rate for young women with Breast Cancer is 83%
On a different note - but still the same .... My treatment was last week (Tuesday). The days following were terrible. I was sick, tired, and I had a near fainting spell at Waterloo on Saturday from the heat. I napped often and was in bed by 7pm most nights. I caught myself thinking: "If I go to bed now then I'll get to the next day much sooner and start feeling a little better". I've never considered myself as lame or boring, but that's me right now. I'm finally feeling better and have some energy back. My treadmill is calling my name! I guess its safe to assume that my treatment weeks are going to be tough. Day 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 SUCK. I've got 2 weeks of goodness until my next one. Got so much to do!!
definition Awareness: having knowledge of
SO many women are affected by Breast Cancer - (and all other Cancers - this one just happens to hit home with me). I hear a small voice telling me to educate, speak about IT, stand strong, be a friend and rock to someone who needs it, and more than anything to be a Survivor. When I'm done with my treatments and my energy levels come back and I return to the "old Mindy", I will be all over the place trying to help others in this situation. This is a down right scary time and I want to give back by educating and raising awareness.
I have read TONS of books from Crazy Sexy Cancer, Stand By Her, Dr Susan Love's The Breast Book, and every piece of literature and pamphlet thrown my way. I have researched, compared my notes from my surgeons, and changed our way of living. This will be shocking to most because you probably know that never, in my adult years, would I have ever picked up any reading material that didn't say "US Weekly or People". But I feel a NEED to know EVERYTHING about breast cancer.
Here are some Very Scary but REAL Statistics, but because of my new found obsession I felt the need to include these here:
* One in 8 women will get breast cancer in her lifetime
* Breast Cancer is the leading cause of cancer death in women between the ages of 15 and 54
* 70% of breast cancer occur in women without a family history of the disease
* There are more than 250,000 women UNDER the age of 40 and currently living with breast cancer
* Breast Cancer in women under 50 is more agressive and virulent
* The five year survival rate for young women with Breast Cancer is 83%
On a different note - but still the same .... My treatment was last week (Tuesday). The days following were terrible. I was sick, tired, and I had a near fainting spell at Waterloo on Saturday from the heat. I napped often and was in bed by 7pm most nights. I caught myself thinking: "If I go to bed now then I'll get to the next day much sooner and start feeling a little better". I've never considered myself as lame or boring, but that's me right now. I'm finally feeling better and have some energy back. My treadmill is calling my name! I guess its safe to assume that my treatment weeks are going to be tough. Day 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 SUCK. I've got 2 weeks of goodness until my next one. Got so much to do!!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Chemo Treatment - Day 3
My treatment on Tuesday went well. I saw my Oncologist first who I had remind me why we are doing this again. I guess there is still that thought of "did someone switch my lab results? did someone have a mix up in the radiologist department? Was someone tampering with my slides?" So she reminded me and again used the word "CURED" with me. So, I'm happy to report that my doctor says they are very optimistic about me being CURED from breast cancer - AFTER chemo.
Well hell, chemo down right SUCKS! I've had allergies, I've had the flu, I've had a cold, I've been pregnant, and I've given birth. This tops it! I'm helpless and doing everyhting I can to stay focused on my day to day activities. Kids in and out of the house, in and out of school, to and from baseball games and practices, and still trying to help run a business and keep my work from piling up on top of me.
My social life has gotten more and more complicated as well. I love all of my friends and I love to see them. I just feel so damned embarassed and tired and definitely not myself. The chemo kills not only the bad cells, but it kills the good ones too. It's doing a pretty big job and I can only concentrate on getting my body back to recovery before my next chemo blast hits me. If my white blood cells aren't back to normal by the next round, they will put it off - SO it is in my very BEST interest to rest and relax my body and bring it back to (somewhat) normal. And now I know it does a little more on me each time.
This past session on Tuesday left me a little nauceous. I'm at Day 3 from my treatment. I have the world's weakest stomach already and the queasiest little feeling has me thinking I am dying. Not to be a complete hypocondriac, but my stomach is a very sensitive one. This will come to a suprise to most and just so you knwo that I am not in my right sorts - Wine sounds terrible to me. Hopefully this is temporary :)
I have 2 more sessions of this coctail to go. One on April 26 and the next on May 17th. I have heard from my doctors that the mix I am on is more potent than the next 3 months. Beginning in May 24th I will begin to go to every week but apparently that isn't nearly as brutal as this one. Beginning May 24th I will have 12 weekly sessions and then I'm done! I can't wait long enough for August to roll around.
that's it for now - Mom's on her way over to help out while I drift off for a nap. Thanks MOM!
Well hell, chemo down right SUCKS! I've had allergies, I've had the flu, I've had a cold, I've been pregnant, and I've given birth. This tops it! I'm helpless and doing everyhting I can to stay focused on my day to day activities. Kids in and out of the house, in and out of school, to and from baseball games and practices, and still trying to help run a business and keep my work from piling up on top of me.
My social life has gotten more and more complicated as well. I love all of my friends and I love to see them. I just feel so damned embarassed and tired and definitely not myself. The chemo kills not only the bad cells, but it kills the good ones too. It's doing a pretty big job and I can only concentrate on getting my body back to recovery before my next chemo blast hits me. If my white blood cells aren't back to normal by the next round, they will put it off - SO it is in my very BEST interest to rest and relax my body and bring it back to (somewhat) normal. And now I know it does a little more on me each time.
This past session on Tuesday left me a little nauceous. I'm at Day 3 from my treatment. I have the world's weakest stomach already and the queasiest little feeling has me thinking I am dying. Not to be a complete hypocondriac, but my stomach is a very sensitive one. This will come to a suprise to most and just so you knwo that I am not in my right sorts - Wine sounds terrible to me. Hopefully this is temporary :)
I have 2 more sessions of this coctail to go. One on April 26 and the next on May 17th. I have heard from my doctors that the mix I am on is more potent than the next 3 months. Beginning in May 24th I will begin to go to every week but apparently that isn't nearly as brutal as this one. Beginning May 24th I will have 12 weekly sessions and then I'm done! I can't wait long enough for August to roll around.
that's it for now - Mom's on her way over to help out while I drift off for a nap. Thanks MOM!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Update and Chemo Therapy
It's been a while since I have updated my process... I'll go back about a few weeks ago. So much has happened and I wish I had been updating daily so that I wasn't stuck trying to remember.
Let's recap - on Jan 21st I was diagnosed with Stage 1 Breast Cancer. On Feb 16th I had a double mastectomy with reconstruction. My healing began and I THOUGHT that was it! Two weeks after my surgery, my lab results of the tumor were in. An Oncotype test determined that the genes in that little annoying tumor were "agressive" and Chemo Therapy was recommended. I went in for another surgery (while still healing from the intial one) to get a Portacath put in. It was outpatient surgery and I think I was out for only 30 min.
The Portacath (also called a "port") was placed in my under my skin on my chest near my right shoulder. It was pretty uncomfortable. It will stay there until chemo is complete and will have to be surgically removed. So - this is where the TOXINS (or "Chemo") are administered. The Port has a cathether that goes under my collar bone then takes a dive towards my heart. From there the toxins are pumped to my entire body in an effort to kill any last cancer cells (if any). I have attached a picture of what the Port looks like - Yes, it is purple...
Let's recap - on Jan 21st I was diagnosed with Stage 1 Breast Cancer. On Feb 16th I had a double mastectomy with reconstruction. My healing began and I THOUGHT that was it! Two weeks after my surgery, my lab results of the tumor were in. An Oncotype test determined that the genes in that little annoying tumor were "agressive" and Chemo Therapy was recommended. I went in for another surgery (while still healing from the intial one) to get a Portacath put in. It was outpatient surgery and I think I was out for only 30 min.
The Portacath (also called a "port") was placed in my under my skin on my chest near my right shoulder. It was pretty uncomfortable. It will stay there until chemo is complete and will have to be surgically removed. So - this is where the TOXINS (or "Chemo") are administered. The Port has a cathether that goes under my collar bone then takes a dive towards my heart. From there the toxins are pumped to my entire body in an effort to kill any last cancer cells (if any). I have attached a picture of what the Port looks like - Yes, it is purple...
My initial reaction to hearing "we recommend chemo" was devastating. I thought hearing "you have cancer" was bad... That was nothing compared to these words!
I had Chemo Class on Thurs, March 10th. I was in a room with 4 other families. One person from each family was in my same boat - but all with a different cancer and at a different stage. I was told my treatments were going to be the shortest of the group's. My treatments will last from 2 to 3 hours each time. My schedule was also a lot different from those others. Needless to say, i was the youngest one in there and bawled my eyes out thru the entire informational session. I felt like a complete basket case - these other people just "took" the news as if they expected this. I, on the otherhand, felt like I had been given a death sentence and was having a hard time accepting this news.
My sessions are every 21 days for the first 3 months. the Second 3 months my chemo treatments will be every week! That's a total of 16 sessions and 6 months of this shit. I'll celebrate my last day of Chemo sometime in August.
In the class, at my first Oncologist appt, and at my first Chemo Treatment i was told (3 times) that one of the side effects is losing my hair along with extreme fatigue. I guess the doctors and nurses felt like I was ignoring this statement and I needed to be told again and again. This has been the hardest of all and this is why I felt a need for a Private Blog. From here on, it's raw emotion. I knew when Chemo was suggested that this was going to happen and thats why it was so disbturbing to me to hear it.
My first chemo session was on Tuesday, March 15th. It lasted almost 4 hours. First I saw my Oncologist who reminded me everything would be o.k. and that the reason we are going this route is because she believes I'll be CURED when this is over. The nurse came in, found my port and stuck a needle through my chest and into the rubbery part of the port. Then the Toxins came. It was actually pretty comfortable. There's WIFI so Doug plugged away on his email and I sat in a reclyner with my new IPAD given by Tina and Rick with my soft pink fuzzy blanket from Timberli. There are tvs, snacks, and drinks, and about 20 other people getting some sort of the chemo coctail also. it wasn't so bad and I have to admit, I think I handled it like a champ!
I was told to get rid of my hair so that I didn't have to deal with losing it on its own. Apparently that is more overwhelming to most women. I was also told that because of the type of person I am - in control most of the time that I would want to be in control of THIS as much as possible.
My hair has always been part of me ... I know it doesn't "define" me, but it is part of me. It wasn't the best - long, blonde, thin, and most of the time unmanageable but IT WAS MINE and I could do what I wanted to with it!! I put away my blow dryer, my straightener, and my fancy hair products. My poney tail holders now belong to Addison. It felt as if something or someone had died leading up to my buzz cut. I mourned like I had never mourned before and I cried like nothing else.
This will sound funny and ridiculous to some, but I don't care ... Losing my real breasts was not nearly as upsetting as losing my hair. It's different for everyone and for me this was the most miserable point in my life! I told Doug that I had never been this sad before and even when I say it (or write) it now, it brings tears to my eyes.
Cutting my hair happened last Wednesday, March 23. It doesn't seem that long ago but it feels lieke an eternity to me. That day will forever be a day etched in my brain. I'll always remember the Journey song playing, I'll remember looking in the mirror and taking that deep breath before building up the courage to say"I'm Ready" and I'll remember the champagne Doug and I drank silently with tears in our eyes.
I have new hair now, obviously it's not mine. It's darker but the same length. It's heavy and thick but manageable. It's actually a ton easier than using the Root Booster, a blow dryer, and flat iron. I thought I would never go outside of my house once I got to this point - BUT I have shocked the shit out of myself and apparently my mom as well. The next day I put on my hair, played with it for a bit, and mustered up enough courage to go to Austin's first baseball game of the season. I was glad I did - Austin was the first batter of the night and hit a ball up past Center Field and scored a Home Run. Moments like those make my hair issues seem minor.
I've got one session down and another one coming up on Tuesday. After that, I'll have 14 more to go. Positive thinking!! I have never wanted time to pass so quickly as I do now. I look forward to every summer but this is definitely not one of them. This is going to be a tough year but I am determined to get through it without letting IT get the best of me.
Sometimes I feel defeated, humiliated, and exhausted. When those thoughts arrive I quickly rearrange them into thinking about how incredibly lucky I am that I found my breast cancer and that we moved quickly. I think about all of the choices I have had through out the last few months and realize that I have no regrets. I refocus on the positives and the overwhelming amount of support I have received.
BIG HUGS - MINDY
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